Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
