I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
