Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
false alarm, still single
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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