finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
