I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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