last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
