Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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