i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
