one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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