Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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