we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
