Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
