There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
this hospital has no fireball
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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