And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
My bed smells like the plague
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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