This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
