Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I could fuck to npr.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Randomize
