I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I will pee on everything he values.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
