I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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