I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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