Already got asked if we're dating
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize
