you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
