Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
