the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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