Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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