i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
