i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
