All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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