She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
