Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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