textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
