we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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