I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
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