rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
