The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Did you just see the Batmobile???
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Randomize