Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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