felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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