my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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