i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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