Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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