I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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