Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
