Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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