call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
