I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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