HIV tests are more positive than that guy
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
