So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
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