ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
should my penis look like a turkey
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
