Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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