A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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