Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Randomize
