I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Randomize
