im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
