I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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