I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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