They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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